


All Through the Night

by SarahJeanne



Category: Shelter (2007)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-08
Updated: 2010-02-08
Packaged: 2017-10-07 03:16:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahJeanne/pseuds/SarahJeanne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zach can never quite remember the dreams that wake him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Through the Night

The first time it happens is five days after they move to L.A. He wakes up, heart beating hard and fast in his chest, palms tingling. He's primed to choose "fight," but he can't remember what he's supposed to be fighting. He looks to his left. Shaun is lying on his stomach, face half-mashed into the pillow, asleep. The red glow beyond Shaun tells Zach that it's 3:17.

Zach slides out of bed. The mattress bounces as he stands. He holds his breath and freezes. Shaun sleeps on, undisturbed.

He shivers, a combination of the adrenaline rush and the chill of the air outside the covers. He pulls on a t-shirt and walks into the hall. He squints, suddenly blinded by the hall light that stays on all night, now that Cody is sleeping in his own room. He leans against the doorframe of Cody's room and pushes the door the rest of the way open. Cody is curled up, clutching a battered black teddy bear that had made its reappearance when Jeannie left. Zach watches him breathe for a few minutes before he pulls the door half-closed and goes back to his own room.

He climbs back into bed, shedding the shirt now that he is back next to Shaun, who is emanating heat. He curls onto his right side, fetal, and slides back until he just bumps into Shaun. He wants Shaun pressed up against his back, but he settles for the little contact he can get without waking Shaun. He matches his breathing to Shaun's measured ins and outs. Eventually, the twist in his stomach from whatever he had dreamt gives way and he falls back to sleep.

***

The third time he wakes up with a start he's been in L.A. for two weeks. He looks to his left and Shaun is not there. His muscles tense and his breath catches in his throat. It wasn't a dream, it wasn't a dream runs through his head as he starts to panic. Then he remembers: Shaun is in Santa Barbara, making sure Gabe doesn't say anything stupid at his court date tomorrow. This is what happens when you're in wrong place with half an ounce of pot. He relaxes against the headboard and tries to remember his dream, how Shaun not being fits in. He can't quite grasp it.

He gets out of bed and walks across the hall. Cody is sprawled on his bed, hand hanging over the side and the bear on the floor below it. Zach walks over to the bed and shifts Cody away from the edge, tucking the bear between him and the wall. He runs his fingers through Cody's hair then rests his hand on Cody's back, feeling it expand with each breath he takes.

He goes back to his room and lies down, but the bed is empty and cold. Loneliness nags at the back of his brain, feels too familiar. He takes the comforter off his bed and sets up on the couch. He falls asleep to a really bad movie and wakes up to Cody shaking him while an infomercial plays in the background.

***

The seventh time is the night before orientation at CalArts. He makes his rounds; they've become second nature by now. Shaun is there, Cody is there, everything where it should be.

He doesn't go back to bed right away, but wanders to the living room to watch TV. If he waits until he can barely hold his eyes open anymore, then when he gets into bed with Shaun beside him he falls asleep right away instead of lying awake trying to figure out what woke him in the first place.

The floor creeks and he tears his eyes away from the TV to see Shaun standing in the doorway, rubbing his eyes. "Couldn't sleep again?" Shaun's voice is low and gravely.

"Again?" The blue light from the TV fills the room and flashes with each cut, Shaun's face alternates between being cast in shadow and lit up.

Shaun walks over and sits next to Zach on the couch. He mutes the TV and the room temporarily glows orange as John McClane blows something up. "You've been doing this a lot lately, yeah?"

Zach turns his head to look at Shaun and is momentarily distracted by the low flying plane he sees out the window behind Shaun. "I didn't think you'd noticed."

Shan takes Zach's hand and half smiles in the way that would make Zach melt, except it's the middle of the night and he's sleep deprived. "I was waiting for you to bring it up, talk about it. Then I remembered who I'm dealing with."

Zach smiles a little at that, because while he had promised Shaun he would talk about things, it's a lot harder to actually do it. He lets Shaun pull him into his side. Now he's curled up on the couch, Shaun's arm around him, head on Shaun's shoulder, and all he can think about is how he used to sit just like this with his mom.

"I keep having these dreams," he offers once he's sure his voice won't shake. He waits for Shaun to ask a question, to say something to help him out, but there's only silence and Shaun's fingers rubbing his upper arm. "I can't remember what they're about. It's always right there, you know? But I can't ever get it." Shaun makes some low noise of agreement in his throat that Zach feels more than hears, but it keeps him going. "When I wake up, I always expect to be alone, that you and Cody won't be here anymore."

The fingers on his arm stop moving and Shaun pulls him in even closer, fingers digging in now. "I'm not going anywhere." Shaun rests his head on top of Zach's. Shaun doesn't say anything about Cody.

They sit. Zach watches cars silently chase each other before flipping over and blowing up spectacularly. Finally, Shaun turns off the TV. "Come back to bed?"

Zach nods against Shaun's shoulder and sits up so Shaun can get out from under him. Shaun stands and offers a hand to Zach. Zach lets himself be pulled up and led back to the bed room. Zach pulls off the shirt he'd been wearing and makes sure Shaun does the same. They crawl into bed. Shaun curls around Zach, his chest pressed to Zach's back. With the assurance of skin-on-skin, Zach falls right to sleep.

***

Zach starts school and then Cody does. They establish a rhythm, a routine to getting out of the house in the morning with minimal frustration. Zach never realized the benefits to living on campus until he's driving back and forth everyday. Some days he has long breaks, just long enough for him to drive home and then turn right back around, so he finds places to hole up in the library, campus center, and after he's been there a month, friends' dorm rooms. On Mondays and Thursdays he gets home to Cody in his pjs on the couch, waiting for Zach to tuck him in. Wednesdays he gets home to Cody already sound asleep. Tuesdays and Fridays, though, he gets home to Cody setting the table and Shaun spooning his latest dinner idea into a serving bowl.

He stops waking up in the middle of the night. Between his commute, and papers, and projects, he's got no choice but to sleep.

***

The eighth time he doesn't wake with a start. No muscles are tensed, his palms aren't sweaty. He slowly comes to awareness in the middle of the night and opens his eyes, full of dread. It's pointless to get out of bed, he knows what he will find, but he does it anyway, quickly glancing at Shaun on the way, who is undisturbed.

He walks into Cody's room and flicks on the light. He's never seen it this clean before, there are no clothes hanging out of half open dresser drawers, all the toys are in the chest in the corner; he hasn't stepped on a Matchbox car in a week. There is no ragged black bear either, because that made the trip to Portland with Cody.

Zach sinks down on to the bed that he's pretty sure Shaun made up with clean sheets so it is ready for Cody to come back to.

And Cody will come back, to visit. He tells himself he hopes that it will only be a visit, because what kind of person hopes his sister can't keep it together? Hopes that his nephew won't get to grow up with his mom?

He leaves the room, pulling the door closed behind him. He stops just inside his room, letting his eyes adjust to the dark after the brightness of Cody's room. There is only the tiniest sliver of light, from the streetlight outside, that gets through the crack between the shade and the window frame, but it's enough that after a minute he can tell that the lump on the bed is Shaun, lying on his side. He climbs back into bed facing Shaun and nudges him until he wakes up. Shaun's arm comes around him and pulls Zach close as he mumbles something unintelligible. Zach buries his face in Shaun's neck. He inhales and feels completely surrounded by Shaun. The knot in his stomach loosens, fractionally.

"Can't sleep?" Shaun asks, awake enough now to figure out what's going on.

"Mmm," Zach agrees into his neck.

"Dreams again?" Shaun shifts so his palm is flat against Zach's back. Zach moves into the touch just enough so he's not speaking directly into Shaun's skin.

"Not a dream this time." He keeps his face turned away from Shaun's, looking at Shaun's chest as he speaks, but his voice gives away how hard that is to say out loud. He resituates himself against Shaun so that he can breathe this time.

"Right," Shaun says, sounding as if he's just remembered again. He squeezes Zach tighter for a moment. They lie in silence, folded around each other.


End file.
